I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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