He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
