I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
