She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
