Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
