I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
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Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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