What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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