apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
