Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So vagazzling was a success
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
