if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.