Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?