i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
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This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
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Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?