my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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