How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
