Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
