Christians are straight up FREAKS
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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