why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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