The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
