One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
