I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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