I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
