can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
