The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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