I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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