Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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