oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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