once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
