foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
