We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
