I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
