Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
