im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
