just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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