Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's shark week go big or go home
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
