did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
