It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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