i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
