Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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