Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
