my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
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