Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
