lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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