did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sober January is a disaster.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
