Pregnant stripper...not hot.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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