my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
