These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
