She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
