I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
