you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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