i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
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we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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