Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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