Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
