I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
