she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
