Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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