Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
