i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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