I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
