we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
