All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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