just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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