I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
