Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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