So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
